We All Are Like Them
by TheKats
Summary: Lily dies. End of an era.
1. Chapter 1

A/N I prefer to write Dair fics when the story comes naturally... which means I don't want to rush the stories just in order to update a chapter (you guys can feel it too :D). I'll finish New Year's Kiss I promise. :) Thanks for r&r

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Lily died.

She wasn't that old, but with her lifestyle people were speaking, it was not a big surprise. After she divorced Rufus Humphrey and remarried her former husband, the father of her two children, her life started going downhill. Her friends, or at least the ones who she was meeting occasionally for gossiping branches, were able to see that the woman was constantly drunk, and in those rare times when she wasn't she looked as if she spent a month in the desert without food or water. Her husband was there for her pretty much never, but not once she complained on her new marriage.

Her funeral has got to be perfect, Serena ordered calmly to the mortician she was speaking on the phone with while the in the cab that was taking her back home from JFK. Eric was broken and couldn't soak in his sister's nonchalant and cold behavior, like she was about to organize a dull Hampton party, an afternoon Bridge with the neighbors she always failed to remember their last name.

The wake of course had in her beloved modernistic penthouse, she spent so much time in. The place lost its graciousness the day Lily left to the hospital. Not even maids were coming to clean or check up. It died long before Lily.

Blair Bass. Who else should go there and make sure the place would look decent and beautiful for Lily's last stay?

When Lily died in the hospital, Blair was there with Eric, while Serena and Dan were on the West Coast, on something that was supposed to be belated honeymoon. Blair hated Serena's selfishness to simply go away while her mother was at death bed, but never said anything. Lily was mostly comatose, but was responsive in the last few hours before she closed her eyes forever.

While the elevator was taking Blair up to the penthouse, invading pictures of Lily through the years were scratching her brain. It's been a habit for Blair to be jealous to everything Serena had, except for her mother, because Lily was slightly worse than Eleanor. Yes, she was always there, a rich housewife, mostly a rich and jobless divorcee, who had all the time in the world but never dedicated it to Serena nor Eric.  
She hated how Lily asked her to call Serena, or preferably Daniel, in order not to disturb Serena directly. God, Blair hated how that woman was fierce to her very end, for she knew perfectly well that she hated to communicate with Humphrey.

_"In the end Blair what matters is who was there for you when you truly needed them."-_ Lily said to her, with voice that sounded like it belonged to a hundred year old woman. – "_Money is nothing, and if you see it on time, you might…You might still have your chance for happiness. Look at me now…"_ – She was forcing herself to smile, although she was almost dead. – "_Don't let Rufus cry._" – She whispered to her, when Eric left the room. – "_Tell him I died with regrets…I know he won't care, but I want to be peaceful. Tell him to look for Scot, because we were terrible parents to him._" – Blair was squeezing her hand and nodding. – "_And you…_" – Her breathing was hard and painful, her face was nothing what used to be Lily's fresh and smiley face with perfect skin and lovely eyes. – "Don't turn into your mother…or me. T_ake care of Serena and Eric._"- Blair kept nodding, forcing herself not to cry. – "_And don't be a bitch to Daniel. Don't. You know why._"

Those were the last words she said to her. Afterwards, the doctors were no longer letting anyone in the room. Seven hours later, they pronounced her dead. It was Blair who had to dial up and tell Serena the bad news. She picked her name in her phone book, deliberately deciding not to do as Lily wanted, and dialed the number. After the seventh ring, Blair was furious, walking back and forth in the hospital hall, nervously clicking her heels on the white marvel.

"Yes Blair?"- Dan's deep and sleepy voice responded. It was around three in the morning in California, and Blair was surprised they weren't somewhere out partying, just the way Serena always wanted. She was quiet for part of a second, hating, mindlessly hating to speak to him, because every time she did, they were ending in a nasty fight with lots of painful insults. She had fresh memory of his "misery addict" from two years ago. He probably remembered her "talentless masochist" too.

"Lily's dead. Tell Serena and come back immediately." – She removed the phone away from her ear unwilling to speak further with him, but she heard him speaking and put it back on.

"What? Wasn't she getting better?" – He asked truly surprised.

"Is that what Serena told you? Would I lie over this?" – She hissed in the phone, her eyes getting blurry from tears.

"Of course not." – His deep voice was piercing her brain. – "But…"

"Listen Humphrey, I have no time to chat, if she's there pass the phone to her so I can tell her, or hung up, I have to use my phone." – His cynical little laugh irritated her even more and his quiet "yes, princess" before he hung up, cut her heart like a paper. And it hurt. A lot. She wasn't any longer sure why she cried, and she knew perfectly well damn in those situations, that she was crying because of him. Thank God Lily was dead, so she didn't have to make excuses for her tears.

When the elevator doors opened and she stepped in the van der Woodsen's penthouse, three large suitcases were put by the wall, below the Prada Marfa picture. Blair hated the so-called piece of art and now it looked even more depressing in the quiet penthouse.  
Serena had arrived earlier. Blair hoped that she wouldn't have to see her at all during her organization of the wake.

"Serena?" – She called her, walking past the suitcases. The place smelled like dust and stalled air, making it looking even sadder.

"I arrived with the first available flight." – Serena showed from behind the counter. – "They had only one available seat so I came alone. Dan's coming later today." – Her face seemed refreshed and tanned, her hair even more golden than usual, and Blair hated how well Serena looked after every vacation. If Blair didn't know any better, she wouldn't have thought that she had lost her mother. There were no signs of sadness, just a simple irritation because of interrupted vacation. Blair was already judging her for arriving almost thirty hours later.

"I'm so sorry, S." – She said, unsure whether she was supposed to hug her. Their friendship was rocky and unstable during the years, making them more like strangers than former best friends.

"That's life." – She sighed, putting down the empty glass, with the same mannerism like her mother used to do - nonchalant and uninterested about anything. – "I heard Eric asked you to finish this. There is no need, I'm here." – It was annoying how calm and peaceful she was, but Blair simply knew that Serena wasn't that strong without pills or alcohol.

"No, I'm glad to help. I already called Frances, my mom's florist, he's taking care of the flowers, and I called a number Dorota gave me, some very skillful cleaners will arrive in an hour to make sure everything is dusted and well cleaned."

"Blair!" – Serena interrupted her. – "I said, I will take care of this. It's my mother who died, not yours!" – Her voice was bitter, sharp and completely free of the sweetness Serena had.

"I just don't see the problem, Serena?" – Blair kept pushing.

"You seem tired. It was enough for you to pretend that you were her daughter by her death bed, maybe you should rest. You look like shit!" – Blair closed her eyes, feeling them burning, swallowed her words and turned around on her heel. – "Did you have to call Dan first and not me?" – She fired the last question before Blair pressed the elevator button.

"Excuse me?" – It's been almost eight years since the last time Serena brought up Dan. They weren't speaking of the past after Dan and Serena decided to try again for the millionth time. Blair was Bass for about three years, playing the good wife role perfectly, as everybody was expecting from her, after six months of honeymooning with Chuck around the world.

"Oh please" – Serena was pouring another glass of Whiskey to the very top. – "You heard me."

"Yes, I did, and I don't intend to argue with you on your mother's waking, but it's not my problem if you were busy drinking and not realizing that I called on your phone. It was him that answered first. What I was supposed to do? Hung up?" - Serena didn't respond. Instead she took a big sip of her Whiskey, empting the glass to the half.

"Did she say anything before she died?" – Serena finally spoke.

"She asked me to take care of you and Eric. And to tell Rufus not to cry…" – Serena chuckled idiotically, emptying the other half of the glass.

"So melodramatic" – She raised both of her eyebrows and walked out of the kitchen, holding the glass with her thumb and her index finger.

"The woman was barely capable to breathe. What do you want her to say? If you…" – Blair stopped.

"If I, what? What Blair?" – Serena turned towards her and almost yelled, widening her blue eyes. – "If I was next to her, I'd have known? Are you criticizing me over this?" – Her voice was deafening, almost scary, but Blair was keeping herself together.

"Yes. I do. You were supposed to be there, not me. I don't want to hear you weep for the rest of your life, that I took your spot at your mother's death bed." – She hated to bring that up, but it felt good to throw it right into Serena's face.

"Oh please, just be happy that you actually stole one thing from me, maybe it'll make you stop whining how I took the best things from you." – The hard slap over her mouth almost sobered up Serena. Blair was looking at her with disgust, just like she was looking at her the day she found out about Nate, just like when she found out that she got accept on Yale, just like the day when she saw her father giving Serena hand while both of them eight-year-old were learning how to ice skate.

"Stop drinking or you'll end up just like Lily." - Serena was holding her face, letting her tears roll down in streams.

When Blair came back within three hours in the penthouse, Serena wasn't there. Eric took her to her penthouse, where Dan was making sure she would stay sober and calm. She stopped listening to Eric, once he mentioned Dan's name.

The people she hired were almost done cleaning the penthouse, and five people were arranging the flowers around in the living room. Finally, two men brought enlarged picture, almost as big as her favorite megalomaniac paintings on the walls, with Lily's smiling face on it and a black ribbon that was perfectly attached in the right upper corner. It seemed surreal. Lily was dead – it was end of an era.

Blair was staring at her picture, as tall as herself, observing the little wrinkles around Lily's eyes, thinking how many of them happened because of sleepless crying nights spent next to wrong men, men who never loved her the way she deserved to be loved. Some of them were caused by endless glasses of champagne, some of worries over the frivolous and reckless life her daughter had, or the difficult and painful adolescence of Eric.  
Were they all cursed to be Lily, Blair was thinking? Were they all becoming her? Wasn't there another option for girls like herself or like Serena? It wasn't even a decade since CeCe died, and she too lead the exact same life as Lily. Serena was keeping up too.

The doors of the elevator ding, and Blair gathered herself together. She turned around, thinking that more of the people who were supposed to cater the wake, were coming, only to realize that it was no one else, but Rufus himself.

It was odd how old and worn out he looked. It wasn't even ten years from the last time she saw him. It was just scary to see him - he was wearing black suit, black shirt and a black tie. His hair was almost completely gray, and his face seemed skinnier than she remembered, with few more wrinkles on the sides of his mouth and on his forehead. Visible black circles under his eyes were betraying his all night crying. He was holding a single white lily in his right hand.

"My condolences" – Blair walked to him, not knowing whether she was supposed to hug him or simply extend her hand for a handshake. He didn't move at all, just nodded.

"I can't believe she's gone." – He said mechanically, slowly moving his eyes from Blair's face to the portrait.

Everything about him was disturbing her. The fact he wasn't hiding that he was broken into million pieces. The fact that he was so much older. The lily in his hand. The fact that he was reminding her of Dan. Everything put together, was suffocating her and she desperately wanted to scream and run away from there.

Rufus past by her and walked towards Lily's portrait, putting the lily next to it. Blair knew that she wasn't supposed to be there when she saw him stroking the picture, but her legs felt so heavy and she wasn't able to move.  
He was just standing in front of the portrait speechless. Just occasional quiet sniffs would have interrupted the silence.

"Do you…" – Blair hated to interrupt him, but she did anyway. – "Do you want something to drink?" – She asked naively.

"No." – Rufus said absentmindedly, wiping discreetly the tears from his cheeks. She walked closer to him.

"You know… She…she said 'don't let Rufus cry'…and…" – The man turned around looking through her like she wasn't even there. It was painful to see his eyes red from crying, constantly filling with tears. The bone in Blair's throat was growing with each second.

"What did she say?"

"She said 'don't let Rufus cry'"- Blair repeated her word, feeling her throat getting dry with each spoken word. Rufus managed to chuckle in between his tears. – "She also asked me to tell you to find your son."

"Dan?" – Rufus asked confused.

"No, the other one."

"God, we were such bad parents. The worst. Scot deserves to know that his biological mother died. I haven't called him for years he probably hates us even more now." – He sat down on the sofa and buried his face in his palms. – "I truly loved this woman, Blair. I loved her so much, I was letting her hurt me and leave me so many times…just because I wanted to be truly happy. She seemed like she never was able to find her happiness. In the end… We agreed to never see each other again because of Dan and Serena's sake."

Blair was feeling how her heart was slowly skipping beats, and her throat was clenching causing her nausea and indescribable disgust in her intestines.

"And for what…" – He inhaled deeply. – "If there is any alcohol, can you please pour me a glass?" – He asked. Blair immediately brought a glass and half empty bottle of Whiskey and poured him the drink. – "Life is too short. She wasn't even as old as her mother." – He took a sip.

"I'm so sorry." – Blair let herself sit opposite of him. It never occurred to her that observing Rufus would have been so magnetic and heartbreaking, but she could have sworn that she could see right through him. Every heart break, every crack of his soul, two painful divorces, every struggle he had with Jenny and Dan…some of them caused personally by her… Rufus was one of those few good men, Lily never failed to mention. She wanted to remember his face, his truly sad and broken face, for the people who were about to arrive on the wake would have look completely uninterested, carefree and dull. Nobody cared about her the way the man opposite of Blair did.

"How are you?"- He gathered himself a little bit and looked her in the eyes. Blair opened her mouth twice to say 'good' or 'all right' but nothing came out. – "How's Chuck?" – The questions seemed so normal and easy to be answered, yet she had no words, nor she knew how Chuck was.

The marriage she wanted since she was sixteen seemed like the worst possible scenario. At times she was thinking that if she ended up in the loveless royal marriage would have been less scary and terrible, than in the one she already was.

Rufus emptied the glass and poured himself another one.

"I don't drink." – He said, like he was defending himself. – "I really never drink I just need to go through this. The sedatives don't seem to be that strong as I thought."

If Blair was about to be honest with herself, she wanted to cry more about Rufus, then about Lily. The little handkerchief she had in her hand was completely wet.

The caterers had arrived and started sorting the drinks and the food, placing it on the two big tables that were seated by the windows. Rufus kept sitting on the sofa with the drink in his hand and his eyes lost in the portrait of Lily. He was sufficiently drunk, but he was quiet and Blair was thankful for that.

"I think you've had enough." – She whispered to him, trying to take the glass from his hand. He didn't fight and let her do it.

"It was very painful." – He said. Blair didn't really pay attention to his words, because her was already looking delirious.

"I know. She is going to be missed." – She took the bottle in one hand and the glass in another, but before she made another step to the kitchen, Rufus continued.

"It was very painful to see my son hurt by you, Mrs. Bass." – It made Blair bite her lips and close her eyes for a second.

"I hope you won't ever have to see your own child hurting like that." – He coughed. – "What was I supposed to do? Ground him like a misbehaved kid the moment he got interested in you? It was very painful, and this woman here, who no longer breathes, knew it perfectly well. Serena isn't the one for him. I gave up on Lily many times, hoping that at least the kids might be happy, happier than we were. It was wrong." – His voice was growing older with each word. – "I gave up on my wife in order to make my son and her spoiled daughter happy. It hurts so much. I can barely breathe." – His sobs weren't loud, but they were stabbing Blair's heart and were causing vibrating headaches. Still, she didn't turn around because she had nothing to say.

When she came back Rufus was lying on the sofa, with his eyes closed and she ordered to one of the girls from the catering to bring a blanket from the bedroom upstairs. Only four hours remained till the casket was about to be delivered, so she decided that it was good for Rufus to sleep while she had to finish few more errands. When the girl brought the blanket, she spread it over him and right before she was ready to go, Rufus caught her hand.

"Someday you are going to have that big portrait, and Dan would lie on a sofa, alone and broken just like me. Don't be that fool." – He dropped her hand. Even though his words were barely coherent she heard him well. Her nausea seemed even stronger than before.

She tried to get up from the bathroom floor, but her body was heavy and the fact that she hasn't slept in days was making her feel like she was dead too. There wasn't a single strong atom in her body and the constant feeling of nausea and the constant urge to throw up was making her feel even more tired. Her palms were cold and sweaty and she kept rubbing them from her dress, disgusting pet peeve she had for other people, yet she didn't care for in that moment.

She wanted to cry, to get everything out of her system, yet besides the sharpening pain on the side of her eyes and the fire behind her eyelids she wasn't able to produce a single tear. She had to go to the wake, but she hated the idea to show up alone, because Chuck wasn't able to make it. He had sent a huge vase with 250 pink roses, and with a formal condolence card, written by God knows who. She simply hated to go there by herself.

Somewhere around nine PM, she unglued herself from the bathroom floor, slowly took a shower and put on long and simple black velvet dress with long laced sleeves, intentionally avoiding pearls and any other accessory. She picked up her long curls in a tall bun, a hairstyle so hated by Chuck, and tied a black ribbon over it. She seemed pale and ugly she thought. The sleepless days and the worries were consuming her. She had to put light make up, a bit of foundation, few layers of mascara and a bit of pink lip gloss. After all, if Lily was alive, she'd have encouraged her to be more glamorous than that.

"They are all gone by now, why do you even try?" – She asked herself out loud in the mirror.

The building was quiet, only the dangling of her heels was interrupting the silence. She entered the elevator and just before she pressed the penthouse button, man's hand stopped the door.

It's been probably two years or more, since the last time she saw him. Even back then, it was a brief meeting, and she was avoiding his eyes the whole time, not letting herself even properly look at him. He was…grown up. A man in the true meaning of the word. He seemed taller, his shoulders wider, his hair long and messy, just like she loved to hate, his face more serious, shaded with beard and so pale, unlike Serena's, kind of more tormented, yet he still was…Humphrey. He didn't even look at her, just stood up next to her in the very same elevator that once was a happy place for two drunken kids in love. It seemed like the elevator was moving so slow, which was irritating her and making her like she was really and finally going to vomit. The terrible and heavy feeling she had in her guts was slowly traveling up her throat and she was praying not to vomit in front of him. Clenching her purse seemed like the only thing she was capable of holding on.

"You weren't…?" – She dared to speak first.

"No." – He sharply answered the question before it was asked. – "You?"

"I don't feel well."

"Yeah, you look like hell." – It didn't suit him to be harsh, that's why his words hurt even more.

Two more long stories in the suffocating silence in the elevator and Blair was no longer able to stay firmly on her feet. She leaned on the wall and closed her eyes, praying to get faster to the bathroom.  
"Rufus was broken." – She said almost inaudibly and her words seemed like they were drying her mouth even more.

"No shit." – He mumbled. – "His former wife…the love of his life died…"

Blair wasn't any longer capable of controlling her heavy breathing and she felt like her intestines were about to rip inside out.

"We made a mistake, Dan." – She said with painful face. She slowly turned and glued her back to the wall, facing him after four stories.

"Troubles in paradise?"- His cynicism was stabling her sharply, and it seemed that the old Humphrey she knew was dead for a long time.

"I don't want to end up like them." – She put her hand over her mouth, making him mistake that move for covering her sobbing, but she was really trying to prevent herself from vomiting.

"Wow, a bit late, huh?" – He rolled his eyes and looked away. But then, she no longer was able to stay on her feet and glided her back down the floor and sat down.

"Three weeks." - What he meant was one thing, what she has answered was completely another.

Dan Humphrey was feeling dead inside for about a decade, and it wasn't until then when he felt a terrible fire ball in his stomach that exploded inside his body, causing him anger like he had never felt before. He was looking at her from above, wanting to choke her or stab himself in the eye with whatever sharp object he was able to find. Instead with the hardest punch he ever hit in his life, he punched the stop button and the elevator stopped moving. His rage was spreading all over his body, waking every cell in him up, causing him a feeling he thought he forgot.

"I am sick to be the first one to know about your babies!" – His voice sounded like a thunderstorm and it made her realize that it wasn't just a bad dream she was stuck in for hours.

"How can you be so sure that my husband doesn't know, Humphrey?" – Even though she was weak and nauseated, her tiny little sharp defending mechanism came alive.

"Because I know you, unfortunately." – His eyes were cutting hers. This wasn't Humphrey, this was someone else who had taken over him, because his eyes were warm and sad, eager to look at her with love, not with disgust and anger. – "So, who's the lucky father?"

"I'm sick already, spare me. And let the elevator run, I need to go to the bathroom."

"I asked a question." – His fist seemed tensed, like he was ready to punch, and as she was looking at him from the floor, he seemed big as a mountain.

"It's Chuck's, OK? Last chance to fix the marriage. I don't even know how he'd react. I don't even know if I want to be a mother… ever…" – She whispered the last words, lowering her gaze on her clutch, purposely avoiding his eyes.

Light frustrated chuckle came out of his throat. Then it's been two or three deafening seconds before he started punching violently the elevator's walls, cursing incoherently.

"You don't want to be like them?" – He was yelling, truly scaring her, making her feel small and exposed. – "Well guess what? You already are. We all are. We are not even thirty and already speaking about divorces, having drinking problems, having marriage problems, deciding whether we want to have kids at all… Look at me!" – He screamed, ordering her to raise her head. – "People our age are having fun out there. You and I, and all of us are acting twice as our age. I didn't want this…Any of this!" – Only when she started sobbing out loud he stopped and tiredly sat opposite of her. – "I filed for divorce. I'm suffocating." – Blair wasn't able to say a word. Even though the tears were rolling down her face, she was crying without a voice. – "I hate everything. I hate Serena. I hate this building. I hated this pretentious wake. I hate that I see you once in two years and we never fail to insult each other. I hate that it still hurts me. Now this…" – He pointed with his chin towards her, eyes glued on her stomach.

"Turn on the elevator I don't feel well." – It was all she could have say.

The penthouse was empty. The coffin was no longer there, nor Lily's huge portrait. Only a few vases with flowers remained in, but not even that was showing a sign that something tragic happened there.

She didn't vomit at all, she was just washing her pale face over and over, until she felt like life came back to her. The blackness was making her look even more tired, but it was the last thing she cared about. When she came back, two cups of tea were placed on the coffee table, but he was outside, on the balcony standing alone, resting his palms on the fence. She wanted to call his name, but now it seemed even more difficult for her to pronounce it, like it was a forbidden word. Instead, she went to the kitchen, got a couple of ice cubes, placed them in a napkin and brought it with her. When he came inside, she silently handed him the napkin. He hesitated a bit, but took it and placed it over his visibly bruised and swollen fist.

"I didn't plan this." – She didn't want to sound like she was defending herself or like she was trying to justify her condition. – "I thought I would never be able to have children and it was somehow, selfishly soothing me."

Dan sat next to her, pressing the ice bag over his fist, on an elbow length just like in the old days. He unbuttoned the top buttons of his shirt with his sane hand and got rid of his tie tossing it on the floor.

"Where is he now?"

"I don't know."

"When will you tell him?" – His questions were bursting like bullets. Her painful giggle made him look at her quizzically.

"I remember the last time you were asking me this. Life is a dumb bitch."

"Yeah…" – He took his cup of tea. – "Just the way you were when I stupidly told you 'it wouldn't to me', remember?" - She shut her eyes. How could she forget? She knew what it meant back then and decided selfishly to pretend she even heard him.

The sleepless hours and her condition were taking its toll.  
It has been exactly eight years since the last time Blair Waldorf let herself lay her head on Dan Humphrey's arm. It felt like it hasn't past a day. His arm seemed stronger, fuller and more muscular than she remembered.  
But she didn't expect that he'd move himself abruptly and make her head hang in the air. He refused to be touched.

"No more." - His voice was calm and steady, yet strict and she was too weak to argue. She remained sitting stiffed and with straight back, letting tears roll down her face again. – "I feel so sorry for you, you know that." – Dear God, now he was humiliating her and she was letting him do it, without a track of desire to even insult him back. – "I feel sorry for you just the same way I feel sorry for myself."

The only thing she could have done was wipe her tears and not show him her crying face. Like he hasn't seen it before, she thought.

"Why are you getting divorced?" - The question sounded like a bomb in that unbearable silence.

"Because I don't want to be married anymore." - He was making the conversation hard on purpose.

"I don't even know what I'm doing here." - She put the cup of the on the table and smoothed her dress. - "I thought I would see Eric here, I had to speak to him, but..." - His firm grip on her elbow made her sit back down. She didn't expect that.

"Sit down." - His voice was a bit calmer.

"Why did you even come here?" - She asked, bringing back her fierceness.

"Do you even know why Serena and I left NYC for a vacation?" - He emphasized the last word, making it sound as ridiculous as it actually was.

"Not of my business." - She lied, she wanted to know.

"Lily and her had a huge fight." - Blair stood up on her feet once he started speaking. - "I said sit back down, Blair!" - He raised his voice and pulled her back down, a bit more violently than he meant. - "Lily was already sick, but she didn't stop drinking."

"I don't want to know." - Blair was sensing the epilogue and it was mortifying her soul.

"Lily was against our marriage, mostly from selfish reasons, because of her and my Dad. Or maybe because she saw through us, don't know." - She was sitting next to him, with her hands resting on her knees, a pose that never suited Blair Waldorf Bass. She looked like a punished child, insecure and scared, but she didn't move and remained still. - "Serena cheated on me. Here." - She closed and opened her eyes, but no, it was real. - "Lily caught her. She was drunk on vodka and pain killers. She yelled at her, calling her names, insulting her terribly. When I arrived, she was out of her mind, her face was puffy from crying, and she looked more lost than ever. She was sobbing tiredly, asking me to call my Dad and beg him for forgiveness. She kept insulting Serena, calling on her selfishness and the fact that she didn't deserve any sacrifice she made for her." - The way he was telling the whole thing so calm and like he made peace with it was cutting Blair's heart.

"I'm sorry." - She knew she sounded mechanical.

"Then Lily mentioned you and Serena lost it. I had to drag her to her room in order to stop screaming to her sick mother."

"Mentioned me?" - God, she didn't want to ask that question out loud.

"She said "Blair's living the life I had, with the wrong man, and not the one that you took away. Because of you I had to give up on Rufus. You are both ungrateful." - He was quoting Lily's words nonchalantly as if he was reading a silly article from a newspaper.

"I..." - But there were no words coming out of her mouth.

"You are blind. And pregnant by the wrong man. And I am truly dead right now."

"She asked me to take care of Eric and Serena. And of you..." - She gulped inaudibly, not letting herself to look at him. He wasn't looking at her either. They were both staring in front of them.  
His fingers gently reached her elbow and this time he pulled her towards his chest lightly, like she was a broken ice figure who had to be touched with fear and delicacy. She rested her head on his chest, inhaling the scent from his black shirt. Was she allowed to put her hand over his heart? She did it anyway.  
When he sink his fingers in her bun, making sure to ruin it and let her curls fall freely down, she didn't say a word.  
She just closed her eyes and forbade herself to sigh or breathe too loudly like every time she had burden on her chest. His fingers were gently massaging her temple.

"Sleep Blair" - He said with a voice that was coming from somewhere deep. And she did.

Maybe TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N It's been a while. So this is that long prolonged continuation, I guess I'd write more of this.**_

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She woke up completely alone in the dim morning light in the empty Lily's penthouse. Of course, she thought. Why would she even hope he'd stay with her? It was barely seven in the morning. The terrible nausea hit her guts again and she rushed in the bathroom to vomit. Except her stomach was empty and there wasn't anything to vomit. Four hours later she was waiting in the sterile white waiting room at her gynecologist practice.

* * *

"On the day of my mother's wake?" – Serena screamed from the kitchen when Dan walked in their penthouse. The place was smelling like dust and while her voice echoed in the air the only thing he was thinking of was when was the last time they actually had a maid clean the damn place. He inhaled deeply and walked towards the kitchen. Serena was sitting on the floor, dressed in a black long gown with Lily's white pearls around her neck, her hair a bit messy and her makeup completely washed out from crying. Three empty bottles of white wine were surrounding her. – "You're a pig Dan Humphrey!"- She sniffed her tears while trying to open the fourth bottle of wine. – "I mean… of course, payback is a bitch… I probably wouldn't give a shit if Rufus was dead… I'd do the same. This damn thing won't open." – Dan was just standing at the door frame not feeling anything about her, not even a pity. – "I would have cheated on you just to pay you back on your dad's death day…Did you..?" – She was incoherent, confused and so drunk, Dan wasn't able to recall when was the last time he saw her so lost.

"Did I what?" – He asked tiredly, already knowing what she wanted to know.

"Fucked her?"

"No."

At first she giggled happily but then she abruptly stopped and looked at him with her teary and bloody from crying eyes.

"Why not?"

"You don't need another wine Serena."

"Yes, I do. Just like my mother did. Why not?" – She asked again.

It was barely five thirty, but he considered that it was still a night time, so he sat next to her on the floor, helped her open the wine and took a long sip.

"Because, I'm not a pig after all."

"But you wanted to, admit it."

"No."

"We are getting divorced. Come on, we're friends." – She giggled and grabbed the bottle from his hand, spilling some on the floor. – "Why was it always her? Come on, you can say." – She emptied the bottle almost to the middle. Dan sighed what was the heaviest sigh they both have heard and they stopped talking for a while.

"I'm too complicated, aren't I?" – She laid her head on his shoulder, still keeping the bottle below her lips.

"The thing is you aren't complicated at all." – He said quietly. – "Not the tiniest bit. You are predictable like the seasons." – He grabbed the bottle from hand and emptied in two long gulps. It started hitting his head really quickly and he realized that what he was doing was a wrong idea.

"Did you know I'd cheat on you?" – She giggled.

"It was just a matter of time. Selfishly, I hoped you would, so we could end this already. You can't stand people like me… I'm too passive for your taste, boring, judgmental asshole, a smart-ass who thinks he knows it all and would rather skip life in order to do something boring like reading about it, instead of living it. Do you have more wine?" – He finished the bottle. With the slowest moves, Serena crawled on her knees and took another bottle of white wine they were keeping in the lower cupboard.

"You are so smart." – She spoke absentmindedly while she was trying to open the bottle unsuccessfully. – "What else?"

"This isn't healthy Serena. Just because our parents failed to be together in every possible way, it doesn't mean that we have to revive their relationship. We are not fifteen any more. It's…"

"I fucking asked a simple question. Why the fuck you didn't fuck Blair Waldorf when you got a fucking chance?" – He was astonished from the force in her voice even though she was drunk enough to pass out.

"Because she's…"

"What? Fat? Ugly? You don't like her anymore? What? You are so devoted to this goddamn marriage and you are that pristine?!"

He remained quiet. He didn't feel Serena was a burden to him anymore. He knew she was already done with him too, and it felt nice for the first time in years to sit with her and actually talk.

"I am not that guy. I won't… how your fucking brain works this way, damn it?"

They were practically fighting for the bottle and after almost one bottle of wine in his system and after almost five in hers, they stopped talking again.

"I miss my mother." – She whispered. – "But somehow I'm glad she's gone."

"You should go to bed."

"Now I'll just try to get over these days and weeks as drunk as I can take and not listen to all those condolences and not seeing Blair or anyone else. Then we'd get divorce finally and I'll be free from this place and you."

"Such a great plan" – Dan chuckled. – "Blair's pregnant." – He added still holding the bottle in his hand. That's when Serena raised her head and straightened her back.

"What?" – He couldn't see her well through his blurry eyes, but even though she was almost a step from collapsing, her face was genuinely surprised.

He started giggling and the light chuckle was slowly progressing into a louder laughter until it was deafening them both. He was laughing hysterically, shaking his head in disbelief, unable to put the bottle on his lips and take a sip. The thousands of little broken pieces of the wine bottle were flying all over them and the sound of broken glass was ringing in their heads for a long time. The wall got a deep scar where the the bottle hit.

"I'm sorry…" – Serena whispered.

"All she ever wanted was to be a goddamn princess. Ever since I fucking know both of you. Those disgusting headbands, and necklaces and dresses… How do you fucking explain things to Blair Waldorf? How do you explain to her that even a pauper can treat her like a queen…Much better than a low life with blue blood?"

Serena wasn't resting her head on his shoulders anymore. Every word was sobering her up, making her brain work crystal clear. She knew it. She always knew that marrying him was one step closer to disaster. They were different, two personalities that could have only work only for a little while. He wasn't what she wanted, even though she was desperately trying to convince herself that he was. In that moment she realized that she was lost in a time and space in between, where her mother's spirit was still wondering around, her voice still too loud in her head. And she wanted to sleep, to sleep for at least a month, hoping that when she'd wake up the world wouldn't be so harsh on her. She stood up and fearlessly walked over the broken glasses with her bare feet, not even crying a sound of the pain. Once the door from their bedroom was slammed, Dan rested his head on the wall behind him and let himself cry.

* * *

The shower was running over her head and her back and she let herself get lost for at least ten minutes longer than her usual shower time. She felt like she was standing on the edge of her life, like she had two options – either to jump really high and get to the other side or simply make a small step and drop dead in the deep nothing below her legs. Millions of thoughts were ripping her brain off, she felt strong and weak at the same time, like she was ready for a change but not completely ready to tie off the strings with her past life.

She dried herself up and put on her black silky pajamas. The phone was silent. There wasn't a single missed call or text from Chuck, she wasn't even expecting it, nor felt like talking to him. There was nothing to say. Everything was disturbing her and it was the moment she lied down in her maiden bed when she realized that she was homeless in her own home. No place felt like home anymore. She hated her royal looking blue room, her king size bed that was perfectly tide during the years of her absence. Now it felt like a cold ice berg. But mostly she hated herself, and it was the worst kind of hatred, because she wasn't able to escape herself.

Fifteen minutes in her bed were enough for her to feel a terrible rash and she started scratching like insane. She tried to let it go, but now when the nausea was gone, this thing was killing her and drove her insane. She took off her silky pajamas and tossed them in the bathroom, remaining only in her underwear. Deep and red traces of her nails looked like paths all over her body, each and one of them connecting in endless circles. It was the first time she let her hair dry itself, so her curls were freely falling down her back in naughty spirals. It was too cold to sleep in her underwear so she got inside her walk-in closet to look for something that wouldn't irritate her so much.

She remembered the time when she stole that big gray over-sized t-shirt with FDNY Fire Department of New York City print over the chest. He didn't notice that it was missing and she was beyond embarrassed to admit that she loved sleeping in his simple cottoned shirts sometimes. Back then it was helping her fall asleep because no washing detergent was able to wash off his scent and the cologne he was using.  
She found it hidden in the back of the drawers where she was keeping some of her childhood clothes she wasn't ready to give away. It was wrinkled and smelled a bit like the detergent she remembered Dorotha used to use back in time. It felt good on her skin, like a soothing lotion and the rash seemed to be gone the moment she put it on.

"Seriously?"- Serena walked in the closet with her hands behind her back. She was looking up and down her, slightly narrowing her gaze, almost mockingly smiling at what she was wearing. – "Why are you here? The Empire isn't enough for you?"

"What are you even doing here?"

"I felt sick at home and I wanted to come over. I hoped that I might see Dorotha… You know because I need someone down to earth that won't judge me and can actually console me in this hard time."

"It's late. You can go and rest in your… in the guest bedroom."

But Serena didn't move from the spot, still keeping her hands behind her back staring at Blair's eyes almost cutting her with gaze.

"What?"

"Nothing. I was bored while you were away so…" – She brought her hands in the front holding the plastic tiara in her right hand. – "I found this… Not that I was looking for it, I was actually looking for pajamas, but I guess you didn't hide it well. What is this Blair?" – Serena was holding the tiara in between them. – "Doesn't seem like anything Grace Kelly wore… You should keep things like these in a safe, you know… It seems worthy…"

"Put it back."

"Oh come on B." – Serena wasn't drunk Blair could have said. – "I thought you were allergic to plastic tiaras bought from a dollar store. Put it on." – She came closer almost ready to put the plastic piece of jewelry Blair kept jealously like it was made from real diamonds.

"No."

"Come on, I've never seen you with a crown"

But Blair refused and asked her to stop.

"So it's true, you are disgusted, I guess you won't mind if I…" – She started bending the tiara.

"I mind. Leave it and leave me alone." - She raised her voice, desperately wanting to sound strict. But her shaky voice wasn't really helping her in her intention.

"Oh, don't be such a baby Blair. My mother died and you are worried over this shitty plastic tiara." – She kept bending it.

Even though Blair tried to reach and grab the tiara she wasn't able to get it back.

"So we're seven years old now. Fine." – Blair stepped away, dressed in the wrinkled over-sized Dan's t-shirt, standing opposite Serena who even though had looked like she survived a shipwreck, was dressed in a little black dress and had a gray fur coat that was hanging loosely over her elbows. The makeup couldn't hide the sadness and the gallons of alcohol she had the previous days.

The second the tiara broke in front of Blair's eyes and the cracking sound of the plastic that couldn't longer stand the twisting under Serena's fingers made Blair burst into tears. She was screaming and pushing Serena away, cursing her and insulting her.

"Fucking calm down, I lost my mother. It's a plastic toy. I lost my mother!" – She was screaming back. They were both crying, but Blair was more hysterical. She bent on the floor and picked up the two broken pieces, squeezing them hard to her chest. Serena didn't even apologize; she was only looking at Blair from above. She knew the story behind the tiara perfectly well. One night when she was staying at the penthouse, choosing to run away from Dan and her mother's harsh words, she found the tiara, not suspecting where Blair got it. It was when Dorotha caught her trying it on and started panicking that "Miss Blair would kill me if she finds out I let someone touch that box". They were both crying but Serena soon stopped, feeling slightly satisfied.

Blair didn't know for how long she was sobbing, sitting on the floor firmly holding the broken tiara, but when someone tried to take the pieces from her hands she raised her eyes up.

"No…" – He took the pieces off her hands and wiped the tears with his thumbs. – "Don't."

She wasn't able to speak, the crying completely drained her strength out and she was inhaling sharp and fast almost hick-upping. She no longer could remember if Dan Humphrey had a habit to carry a handkerchief with him, but then he got one out of his pocket and wiped her wet face. Then he sat opposite of her, stroking some locks out of her face.

"The best crown you ever had were my ten fingers put together around your pretty head, while I was kissing your forehead." – She was just looking at him as a lost child, calming down from his quiet and low voice, letting him place his long fingers around her head, feeling his lips pressing on her forehead. Like some sort of sorcery, the sharp headache started fading away, or maybe she was too tired to cry and was on the edge to fall asleep, she didn't know.

"I'm not pregnant…that's what the doctor said..." – She stuttered the words into the dent below his Adam's apple. Afterwards she didn't remember anything.

TBC

P.S I know how irritating are unfinished fanfics, I will finish my unifished ones, hopefully soon. :)


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